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Recently a client of mine asked to share her journal entries, with me and you, so that others could benefit from knowing what it is like to gain new insights, and begin to act on them.

In this case she was struggling to love herself, for she was really good at intense and unconstructive self-talk, and at beating herself up for every little thing she judged herself for doing wrong. We were trying to help her move into more automatic constructive, rather than unconstructive, self-talk. One of the things we had worked on was helping her distinguish between discernment and judging.

I asked her to consider discernment as observation, as experience. I suggested she could simply experience what she was doing, that she could notice it and observe it, but that she could refrain from judging it. I described judging as going beyond observing, as deciding that the experience had to be classified or filed away in some file, like in either the good or bad file, the right or wrong file, or some other all or nothing classification of her experience, of her life. We had talked about how that as she could allow herself to experience, and could suspend judgment and all or nothing thinking, it would allow her to relax, to self-love, and to really begin to enjoy her life. She had left our session quite frustrated because no matter how much I described it, or led her through some mindfulness experientials to feel it, she believed she could not get what I was talking about. She was quite activated in judging herself as a failure, as stupid, and similar other all or nothing labels of herself. But apparently, she continued to journal about it, and persisted on doing her homework of practicing the exercises we had decided upon. And the next week, she brought to session, the following journal entries for two consecutive days of insight.

Today was an eye-opening day. For the first time in my life, I think I know what I want to live for. I believe I’ve spent the majority of my life living by someone else’s standards or rules or setting expectations that were not satisfying to myself. Or making un-constructive decisions. I think the phrase that I’ve really identified with is being my own friend. I’ve been blessed to surround myself with beautiful people who I trust very well, treating them how I’ve wanted to be treated. Instead I should treat myself how I want to be treated. I want to treat myself with love, compassion, understanding, praise and most importantly gently. I think the rest of the world (external forces) can do a great job knocking us down so why do I need to treat myself that way? I am sure that I have a lot to offer the world just by being me.  So why should I waste my thoughts on the negativities (or tearing myself down) instead of praising the things I do excel at (I feel like that’s an all or nothing statement). Maybe the way to say it is focusing my energy on constructive behaviors. I can’t wait to just live by my own standards instead of others’. This new “constructive” way of thinking will of course take practice as any skill does but just like learning how to walk it will soon be an invaluable skill. I know I’m a beautiful human being and it’s time to start living as such. I’m really excited. MG

And the next day she wrote this after attempting a many, many mile bike ride that was probably excessively ambitious for her skill level at that time:

So today I went on a super long (and perhaps the most difficult) bike ride of my life. While I was riding there were lots of times that I wanted to give up and I was feeling frustrated that I wasn’t keeping pace with everyone else. Then I started thinking about what was I out there for…and the answer was me. The things I do in my life should be because I want to. I think this is a part of what Val was talking about. So while I was struggling back to my car, I was thinking about how great it’s going to feel when I’m finished and started talking to myself like I was my own friend. Also, I wasn’t thinking about whether my pace or the time it took me was right or wrong but merely how it was an experience. I think I finally get what Val was saying. The thing that I’m finding out is how this discern vs judging is not something common. Most judge so it makes sense how people treat themselves that way. With anything, it takes practice (and adapting to being the majority). MG

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They struggle with the idea of becoming parents themselves, worried that they will do what their parents did, or didn’t do. Clueless as to what a healthy relationship or lifestyle even looks like, they feel completely overwhelmed at the idea of becoming a parent.

What is essential parenting? Forget the idea of “good enough” parenting for now. I’m not sure how helpful that concept is in this moment. Let’s focus on what exactly is needed by any child.

Most importantly, a child needs to learn how to be a healthy adult. As for the basics, children need to learn healthy hygiene and grooming. How to bathe, use the toilet, wash their hands (even under the fingernails), shampoo and fix their hair, dress themselves for the weather of the day and for the event. Not just the girls, ALL children need to learn how to keep a house clean, how to do laundry, dust all surfaces, vacuum a floor or carpet, scrub the toilet and bath tile and sinks, make up a bed and change the sheets. As a bonus, they can know how to recycle and choose environmentally-friendly cleaners. Not exclusively the boys, ALL children in our modern society need to know how to do basic math without a calculator, count change, figure a 15% tip or sale coupon, set and maintain a household budget. They need to start young learning how to manage money, save for something special, and purchase wisely. They need to learn how to eat the foods that keep the body healthy, how to cook and prepare meals within budget, how to shop for groceries and read food labels. Since cooking is avoided by so many families, it is no wonder that we as a society have forgotten this basic life skill. We tend to pay more mind to how we care for our cars and our dogs than to how we care for our bodies. Most wouldn’t even consider putting sand in the gas tank or feeding cardboard to the family pet. But that is essentially what we do to our body; we feed it nutritionless junk and complain when it slows down, feels sluggish, sputters out, and gets old. As parents, we need to step it up, eat our vegetables and teach our children which vegetables they need to stay energized and healthy. (Hint: a daily variety of vegetables, ensuring all of the color groups, and making up at least half of what we eat.) Psychological and social skills also begin at home. Children need to learn how to get their energy from themselves rather than others. They need to know how to self-soothe, to move through their discomfort rather than avoid it, to feel emotions when they are less intense and respond appropriately with conscious mindfulness rather than react instinctually as animals. They need to practice delayed rather than immediate gratification. These are essential emotional coping skills that are the responsibility of a parent to teach, NOT the responsibility of a teacher or psychotherapist to teach. By the time children start school, these behaviors should already be known to them; by the time they are in high school, these behaviors should be mastered by them. We all need to learn how to feel our own basic energy system. Our society is so largely externally focused and obsessed with distraction behaviors that most of us have lost this basic skill. No wonder we don’t know who we are. No wonder we feel lack of connection. No wonder we fail to realize what holds meaning and purpose to us. Intellectually, parents can do so much to help their children thrive. They can offer them a broad variety of developmentally-appropriate activities to do on their own, and at every age. The brain and nervous system are a “use it or lose it” system. Whatever children practice repeatedly, their brain hardwires to do well. Whatever types of function or skills children don’t do, their brain prunes away the wiring that facilitates that particular activity. Parents do not do their children a favor when they hire others to do for the children what they should do for themselves. Or, when a parent does the children’s homework for them. Or, when a parent writes their teen’s college essay for them. Or, rescues them in some other way. Such rescuing only instills within their children the sense of inadequacy, the belief that they can’t do it themselves, and the failure that follows as a self-fulfilling prophecy. Parents can allow their children to fail, so that they learn persistence, stick-to-it-ness attitude and other life lessons. Parents can help when asked. Helping is not the same as rescuing. Helping is teaching, answering questions, providing minimal guidance, and encouraging practice of skills. That is how any of us build over time a sense of confidence and mastery in what we can do. That is how self-esteem is constructed. Children need to learn basic social skills from their parents. Unfortunately, too many parents lack these in themselves. Parents may want to consider that children have mirror neurons that automatically start learning (and hardwiring for) whatever they see their parents doing. Rightly or wrongly. So parents can help their children build masterful social skills by modeling them. Socially, children need to learn how to make polite requests rather than selfish demands. They need to learn cooperation and collaboration, how to take turns, how to play and work well with others. Win-win rather than win-lose. Conflict is the result of poor social skills, and is unnecessary. Differences can be accommodated rather than humiliated. Please and thank you. Holding the door open for another. Patiently awaiting one’s turn. These are skills of basic respect. How to assert oneself appropriately, rather than passively or aggressively. How to speak one’s mind respectfully. How to express one’s own creativity. How to stand firm rather than cave in, while hurting no one. These are the skills of basic communication and relationship. Parents do have their job cut out for them. But once a parent, that responsibility is there. Consider such responsibility wisely, with love. Get help where needed. Know that it is impossible to predict what any particular child will need from you, so perfect parenting doesn’t exist. If you are a parent, remember that you will need to give yourself lots of self-love so that you will feel love in abundance for your child. Make yourself whole and you will be able to teach your child wholeness. And when your child lives life as an adult in wholeness, how much better does it get than that!?

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When we consume more than we need to thrive, we are being selfish. We are wasting precious energy that could help others. We are also being selfish when we neglect to share from our abundance. What is difficult for most of us is discerning what we individually need to thrive, because the measure is different for each person. And the measure varies from individual to individual since we each are a unique blend of energy. The mistake we typically make is going after what we see others pursuing, assuming there is one “right” goal to achieve happiness and they must know what it is. And when achieving that goal fails to bring sustained contentment, we endlessly pursue another and another. It is like looking to everyone else’s garden, rather than our own. And the effect on others is selfishness. But how can a peace lily thrive where the roses live? Or a desert cactus bloom in the swamp? When you love and nurture self first, you will find sustained happiness. You will find the affluence you’ve been seeking because you will feel richly whole. And when you do, you will then have all of this wonderful living energy to help others rather than hurt them. You will love more unconditionally because you will be resilient to the pestilence of disrespect, thoughtlessness, and rudeness that plagues our society. You will be able to look beyond the selfishness and embrace them with graciousness, compassion and forgiveness. Self-love is essential in order to love others. When you try to love others without loving yourself first, you will burn out and feel depressed. (In fact, I define depression as the soul de-pressed.) Get back to self and look within to find the conditions in which you need to thrive. Then live in your own garden, and abundantly flower. That is self-love.

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Emotional, relational consciousness rules this sphere of love. Notice that we have an emotional reaction to any person or thing we think about…..whether strongly or faintly…..some degree of attraction or repulsion, even if slight, that depends on how similar or dissimilar the object is to our inner sense of self. Stage 3: “I love to achieve” In the previous stage, we can begin to lose our sense of personal identity in our relationships, if we aren’t careful. So to balance that, this stage involves remembering who we are as an individual, remembering to live our own life’s purpose, and regaining a healthy sense of personal power and achievement. For most, logic and reasoning consciousness rules this sphere. For some, a very abstract and creative consciousness emerges. Our life purpose will tend to match up to the type of consciousness that is most naturally ours. Stage 4: “I love everyone and everything, unconditionally” As we develop a balanced sense of self, we are able to love more unselfishly. In this stage, our physical needs are largely taken care of, we have learned to trust and to share life with others, we have more awareness around our likes and dislikes, and we know what we can do well. The ego self feels developed and accomplished, and we are ready to share of ourselves more expansively. We feel integrated…..our physical, emotional and mental energies in balance. In our calmness, we make contact with our higher self. Intuitive consciousness rules this sphere. We follow our inner and higher guidance. Our love is given without condition. We love for the sake of loving. We love those we haven’t even met, knowing all are related, all are part of the same body of divine consciousness. Stage 5: “We love” In this stage, “I” becomes “We”. Not in some codependent fashion. But in the sense of valuing what is best for the group, rather than a single individual. In group mind, we work collaboratively. Each individual participates, bringing their talents to the effort at hand. Each takes responsibility for their own part in the bigger whole that is the creative process. Higher creativity for the good of all is the consciousness here. “Let’s work together” the mantra. Whether for the sake of the country, the benefit of all humanity, or the salvation of the planet, we strive to make the world a better place for all of life’s citizens. Stage 6: “We love to see the unseen” This is the stage of the visionary consciousness. The heart is trusting and open wide, ready to love and to help others. As such, higher energies pour in, and what was previously hidden and esoteric becomes known. We see what has not yet manifested. We long to bring it into being. We may seem clairsentient, clairvoyant or clairaudient to others who see us as pioneering and inventive. Stage 7: “We are one, we are life, we are love” Here, we see our uniqueness, while realizing our oneness. Connection with higher spiritual realms is our daily way of living. Transcendent consciousness rules. Love is all we see.

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Many people have asked me how to know whether or not they are loving their spouse or partner in “healthy enough” ways. They wonder how they can best support their loved one on a daily basis, in the daily activity of their relationship. First of all, ask them. In a quiet moment, when you are talking about your relationship, ask them directly in which ways you could do more to make them feel loved. The goal is to allow them space to be who they really are authentically inside, to freely support them as they express their loving self in the world at large, to forgive them when they make mistakes as we expect them to forgive us in return, and to give plenty of room for change, balance, growth and evolution. In the person, as well as in the relationship. Realize that everyone experiences love differently. The mistake we often make is assuming that the way we like to experience love is the way our partner likes to experience love. For instance, I feel very loved when my husband does little things for me without me having to ask him, like emptying the dishwasher, vacuuming the floors, or picking up clutter around the house. Why?

Because I know that he does it, not for himself since he could likely care less, but for me. He is showing me that he understands me and the way I feel lighter when the house is clean, organized and full of peaceful energies. It would be futile for me to express love to him in the same way. Unless I were to choose something to do for him that matters a great deal to him. He does very much appreciate when I do the laundry, for instance. Or if I put away our gear from some outdoors adventure before he gets to it, since he considers that his job.

But what really makes my husband feel loved is when I listen to him, very intently. Or when I look deeply into his eyes and tell him that I love him. And when I show him that I have his back. When I encourage him to do what he really wants to do, whether or not I agree with him. That’s how he feels love and support. I know because he has told me so.

Believe me, I know how imperfect I am at loving him this way all of the time. It is humanly impossible to perfectly love all of the time in each and every moment. But we can practice, and practice, and practice. With time, we get better at it.

We become more aware of what makes our spouse happy, more conscious of practicing love for our partner and catching ourselves in the fears that inhibit our love. We can practice listening to our loved ones and respecting their points of view, without arguing or challenging or belittling. We can make them feel heard by summarizing what we think they said in words, and perhaps more importantly, saying aloud what we think they felt, even if they didn’t express any words of emotion. When they are speaking to us, sharing something heartfelt, we can notice their body language or the tone of their voice for hints as to whether they are feeling anxious, worried, angry, frustrated, or sad. “Honey, I’m so sorry you’re having to feel such frustration over that project.” If we don’t have it quite right, we can notice how they restate it, like “Well, I’m not frustrated, I’m more sad that I can’t get it done as fast as I would like.” Listening is key. When we assume how they feel, by assuming how we would feel, we are “projecting” our feelings onto them. And when we do so, we will likely be wrong more often than right.

To express support, we can thank them for what they contribute. We can say, “Sweetie, thank you so much for cleaning today.” We can tell them how grateful we are that they are in our lives, “I am so blessed to have a partner who is so cheerful and fun to be with.” We can offer our appreciation for how they get up each morning and go to a job they may not even like simply out of duty to bring home a paycheck for the family. We can express gratitude for the hardest job of all, being a really good parent and homemaker. We can ensure our loved one gets equal play time. Instead of always getting our way, we can hear how much they have wanted to take a particular trip, or to see a certain movie, or to take a special hike. And we can show them that it is now as important to us to go do that activity, just because it is so important to them. Love makes us feel a sense of “we’re in this together” or “what is important to you is important to me.” This is the reciprocity and mutuality of love. If we have heard them say how much they love flowers, we can bring them flowers, just to see their face light with love. If they have been longing to see a Broadway play, we can buy them tickets for that play. Thoughtful loving gifts are those the person would want for themselves, not those we think they should have. Lastly, we can show them how much we love them through our touch. Maybe they love when we hold their hand, even while watching a movie on television. They may be happy simply sitting next to us on the couch. Others need more. They may need passionate kissing or frequent lovemaking. Many don’t. This area, perhaps more than any other expression of love, requires very clear communication.

It is essential that we not assume what feels good to our spouse or partner, just because it feels good to us or someone who wrote a magazine article. So the next time you are wondering how to make your loved one feel even more love from you, ask them. And then really let them know you heard them by saying it, showing it and following through with it, again and again.

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More an intimate whisper that invokes intent listening and inspires responsive action, than a fierce wind that sends us scurrying for protection.

Kind. Respectful of all.

Wise. In wisdom, there is loving understanding…..a sense of patient compassion that comes from the realization that perfection lies in the whole beyond time, rather than in the part that defines space.

Responsible. We know what needs to be done. We choose a part to play in the entire activity of construction. We do it, regardless of how inadequate our contribution seems. We understand that perfection is only achieved from group rather than individual effort. Follow through is our strength, as is persistence and steadfastness to the task at present.

Present. When we are present, we are listening, attending and connecting. We become aware of that which weaves us together in synthesis. Through mindful and heartful presence, we fully become aware of the whole, as well as our role in it. Meaning and purpose become known, since it is the whole picture that bestows context to any one part. (Consider that when our life fails to have meaning and purpose for us, it is we who have neglected to give it any.)

Allowing. Freeing. Not binding, nor demanding.

In love, there is understanding that each flower grows in its own field in its own time and pace, and in this way, life continues its blooming.

Grateful. Appreciative of what is, rather than judgmental of what is not. This is the yin of love, receptive and open.

Inclusive. Including all, marginalizing no one. Love’s creative process requires our togetherness, unity, synthesis, collaboration, and cooperation.

Constructive. Supportive. Creative. This is the yang of love. As St. Paul said, love builds. Any destruction that takes place simply makes room for the building process. An old house must be torn down before the new can be erected in its place. When the new one is built, it is constructed upon a foundation of support. Love supports, like rebar to a concrete structure. Love raises us up, like pillars and beams to a roof.

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If you want to take inventory on what you are already doing well, and what you might need to work on to enjoy a long-lasting and fulfilling relationship, check out the following three steps.

Step One. Begin with Self-Love – In self-love, you take responsibility for your own sense of balance and well-being.

Let’s use a plant metaphor. To thrive, a plant needs a certain amount of sunlight and water, and certain soil conditions. You are like that plant, and need to know who you are so that you can make sure you are putting yourself in the conditions you need to thrive. Only you can know what type of soil, water and sunlight you need to be happy.

That means that physically, you require certain nutritious foods, sufficient quantities of water and enough activity and movement in your body daily. Your activities need to be balanced between work, relaxation, sleep and play. If you aren’t doing what brings health and joy into your life, you won’t be much fun in relationship. Instead, others will more likely find you frustrated, irritable, and needy.

Emotionally, take a look within and honestly assess what emotions you carry around with you daily. Your partner can usually feel, at least to some degree, what emotions you ooze. Are you filled with anxiety and dread? Sadness and depression? Continuous grief or regret? Shame and guilt? Or worse, anger and aggression? On the other hand, how often are you relaxed, or even happy?

Mentally, consider what stimulates you. Whatever topics interest you, match you at some level. For instance, when you walk into a bookstore or search online for books, recordings or films, what subject headings grab your attention? If you are drawn toward, let’s say, photography, then that is one clue as to what resonates with either your superficial or deepest self. (Your superficial self is the personality you have created to interact more confidently with others. Your deepest self is your inherent core energies and essence, that is, your most authentic sense of self.)

Spiritually, what moves you? Literally. Are there certain practices that help lift you into a higher, more unconditionally loving state of consciousness? For some, it is going to church and hearing a sermon. For others, it might be engaging in yoga, meditation, or qigong. Are there certain activities you feel called to do, but don’t because of too much fear, self-doubt, and hesitation? Once you have allowed yourself to live within the conditions that help you to thrive, then you are likely ready for step two.

Step Two. Find a “Healthy-Enough” Partner – A “healthy-enough” partner is one who has taken significant steps toward self-love, and is generally a happy person, more often than not. This is a mate who has something to share in relationship, who is fulfilled enough to be able to give to a significant other, and who is capable of loving another unselfishly over a lifetime, not just the couple of years that lust tends to last.

When you are a loving person, it is easy to fall into love. Love everyone you can, with generosity, respect, cooperation, collaboration, creativity, kindness and other actions of love. But when it comes to choosing a life partner, be more selective. Choose a partner who has some insight as to what they want to do with their life, and is taking some action toward fulfilling their own dreams. A partner who naturally loves you the way you choose to feel loved and supported, whether through a loving energy you can tangibly feel, encouragement, helpfulness or thoughtful quality time together.

Too often we select a spouse based on need. Either we need them, they need us, or we need each other. The problem with that is as soon as the need goes away, we fall out of love. Or over time, we come to resent the other for the neediness.

When we pick needy partners, who rely on us to complete them, fill them up and make them happy, it doesn’t work. We can never truly make another person happy. Only they can make themselves happy. And they do so by living an authentic life that reflects their inner spirit.

“Needy” married to “rescuer” isn’t usually sustainable. “Needy” is never satisfied. “Rescuer” tends to burn out, and out of resentment, begins nagging the other to change.

So when you are on track toward feeling self-fulfilled, and you have found someone to love who is healthy enough for a lasting intimate relationship, then you are ready for step three.

Step Three. Mutual Support – You are feeling balanced and whole. You are assertively expressing your core self in your life. And now you are ready to share your wholeness with another. He or she is also feeling happy and fulfilled in their life, and is ready to commit to a lifetime of marriage or partnership. Each of you feels whole enough to truly love another, to freely support one another’s dreams for life, without conditions or unloving expectations.

Many people do carry problematic expectations into their marriage, such as the role each gender “should” play, like who should take out the trash, who should clean, who should raise the children, or who should make a certain amount of money. They start thinking they’re supposed to look and act a certain way at a certain age. Parenting styles even begin to clash, as one partner was raised with strict and harsh discipline, and the other was brought up by parents who never raised their voices or imposed too many rules. Soon they have become their ideal mother or father in their marital relationship, treating their spouse like their parents interacted with one another, and with their children. But your spouse didn’t marry you to be your parents. Your spouse married you, the one that seemed happy and fulfilled on your wedding day.

So once you have committed to your relationship, remember that your first job is to “be you”, to keep yourself growing and thriving. In that way, you can share life with your partner from a place of wholeness. From that place of wholeness, you will have much to give in the way of support to your partner. When I say support in this context, what I mean is, you support them in being who they really are in their life. They support you being your core self.

Mutual support, love for one another. This is love that lasts, that feels free and has room to grow with time.

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