Below are 5 “keys” to recovering your inner sense of well-being, and coping with the emotional rollercoasters of life.

1. Live who you are. You would think this is “oh-duh” but apparently not. Most people do not know who they truly are, much less live who they are. So you are not alone, if you have forgotten your real self. This key is called “prevention” by conventional therapists. It is what you have to do on a regular basis to prevent yourself from sinking into an emotional whirlpool. This is about letting your inner child out, and doing more “self-love”. If you have trouble doing this, consider a plant. A plant needs a certain amount of water and sunlight, and a particular kind of soil in order to thrive. Self-love is allowing yourself your “conditions to thrive”. It is self-care and self-nurture on a regular basis. When you “flower”, you naturally bring more beauty and love into world. You need to live who you are, at least most of the time, in order to get your happy face back on. This is your number one responsibility in your life. It is no one else’s job to do this for you. For example, maybe you secretly want to be a dancer, but are forcing yourself to be in a “serious” bank teller job. This just might kill you, if you don’t make sure somehow to get lots of dancing in your life.

2. Use your healthy coping tools. This key is called “intervention” in regular therapy circles. We all need a few healthy coping or “intervention” strategies in our toolkit, for life WILL throw at least a few major stressful life events our way. When it does, we need to know what we can do to cope. And no, alcohol and drugs don’t count. Know what works for you that is also healthy. For example, you make sure you get in a power walk or some form of exercise at the end of a stressful day at work to allow the energy of stress to move through, and not stay in, your body.

3. Practice scaling your emotions. Scaling your emotions is a way to measure how light or heavy they are. On a scale of “0 to 10”, with 0 equals no anger or stress, and 10 equals maybe rage or panic attack, know what your “2-5” especially is. Whether irritability, frustration, annoyance, mildly worried or afraid. And know how those variations of emotion feel in your body, when they are in the 2 to 5 range, BEFORE you get to higher numbers on your scale. Begin using your coping tools then. Don’t wait.

4. Know your emotion constellations. In the night sky, a constellation is a group of stars that go together. Each of your emotions is like its own constellation. Within “anger” or any other emotion constellation will come certain thoughts, scents, visual cues, sounds, tastes, bodily sensations, physical environments, and even secondary emotions. Know what these are for you, so that you can be very conscious of your emotional landscapes. Know what your calm constellation is, for that will give your hints about how to bring your body into a state of calm. Those will remind you of many healthy coping tools you can use to prevent yourself from feeling overwhelmed. Maybe you like to imagine being at the beach, with the sounds of seagulls, the scent of salty air, the taste of coconut on your lips, and the feel of your toes sinking into the warm, wet waves. Perhaps aromatherapy helps you at work, with the scent of lavender on your desk.

5. Re-direct your body into the feeling you choose in that moment. Your body has a hard time being in calm and stress at the same time. If you are breathing slowly and deeply, you can’t breathe in that shallow fast way you do when you’re anxious, at the same time. Your body will calm because you are directing it to do so by breathing the way you do naturally when you are calm. If you are thinking thoughts that are consistent with feeling safe, in control or even upbeat, then your body will steer in that direction, which is why constructive self-talk, that you really believe, usually works every time!

Now that you have the keys to getting back the sense of well-being in your life, use them! And remember, the most important key is to “be you!”

The post 5 Keys to Emotional Well-Being appeared first on Valerie Varan.

Recently a client of mine asked to share her journal entries, with me and you, so that others could benefit from knowing what it is like to gain new insights, and begin to act on them.

In this case she was struggling to love herself, for she was really good at intense and unconstructive self-talk, and at beating herself up for every little thing she judged herself for doing wrong. We were trying to help her move into more automatic constructive, rather than unconstructive, self-talk. One of the things we had worked on was helping her distinguish between discernment and judging.

I asked her to consider discernment as observation, as experience. I suggested she could simply experience what she was doing, that she could notice it and observe it, but that she could refrain from judging it. I described judging as going beyond observing, as deciding that the experience had to be classified or filed away in some file, like in either the good or bad file, the right or wrong file, or some other all or nothing classification of her experience, of her life. We had talked about how that as she could allow herself to experience, and could suspend judgment and all or nothing thinking, it would allow her to relax, to self-love, and to really begin to enjoy her life. She had left our session quite frustrated because no matter how much I described it, or led her through some mindfulness experientials to feel it, she believed she could not get what I was talking about. She was quite activated in judging herself as a failure, as stupid, and similar other all or nothing labels of herself. But apparently, she continued to journal about it, and persisted on doing her homework of practicing the exercises we had decided upon. And the next week, she brought to session, the following journal entries for two consecutive days of insight.

Today was an eye-opening day. For the first time in my life, I think I know what I want to live for. I believe I’ve spent the majority of my life living by someone else’s standards or rules or setting expectations that were not satisfying to myself. Or making un-constructive decisions. I think the phrase that I’ve really identified with is being my own friend. I’ve been blessed to surround myself with beautiful people who I trust very well, treating them how I’ve wanted to be treated. Instead I should treat myself how I want to be treated. I want to treat myself with love, compassion, understanding, praise and most importantly gently. I think the rest of the world (external forces) can do a great job knocking us down so why do I need to treat myself that way? I am sure that I have a lot to offer the world just by being me.  So why should I waste my thoughts on the negativities (or tearing myself down) instead of praising the things I do excel at (I feel like that’s an all or nothing statement). Maybe the way to say it is focusing my energy on constructive behaviors. I can’t wait to just live by my own standards instead of others’. This new “constructive” way of thinking will of course take practice as any skill does but just like learning how to walk it will soon be an invaluable skill. I know I’m a beautiful human being and it’s time to start living as such. I’m really excited. MG

And the next day she wrote this after attempting a many, many mile bike ride that was probably excessively ambitious for her skill level at that time:

So today I went on a super long (and perhaps the most difficult) bike ride of my life. While I was riding there were lots of times that I wanted to give up and I was feeling frustrated that I wasn’t keeping pace with everyone else. Then I started thinking about what was I out there for…and the answer was me. The things I do in my life should be because I want to. I think this is a part of what Val was talking about. So while I was struggling back to my car, I was thinking about how great it’s going to feel when I’m finished and started talking to myself like I was my own friend. Also, I wasn’t thinking about whether my pace or the time it took me was right or wrong but merely how it was an experience. I think I finally get what Val was saying. The thing that I’m finding out is how this discern vs judging is not something common. Most judge so it makes sense how people treat themselves that way. With anything, it takes practice (and adapting to being the majority). MG

The post Cultivating Self-Love appeared first on Valerie Varan.

I don’t care who we are, coping with periods of transition IS difficult. Stuck, paralyzed, frustrated, irritable, fearful…these are the emotions that can haunt us during the season of change. We fear the unknown, what we don’t know how to do or what it might be once we do it, the possibility that we might regret leaving the familiar behind. When we are young, the future seems open, unwritten; and sometimes the vastness of this territory terrifies us into indecision. What if we make the “wrong” choice”? What if we “fail”? As we approach middle age, sometimes we are horrified by the decisions we didn’t make, as well as the decisions we did. We may have made choices that kept us safe, but bored, unchallenged and unfulfilled.

Even when we have lived a life that has felt very satisfying, we can arrive at our fifties and feel we want a change, something new. Perhaps we’ve always been on a growth streak, which never seems to end. And we get to yet another time of transition, and we feel inspired to move, but are simultaneously overwhelmed by having to yet again learn something different. We’re tired, wonder if we have the energy for one more change, and in our pause to think, notice our melancholy. If we shift faster rather than slower, we can avoid depression. But maybe we don’t because our fatigue, lack of motivation and stuckness have consumed us. As we near the end of life, we can fear sickness and death. Our bodies don’t quite function as we would like them to, but we feel stuck with our habits of eating poorly, sitting around the house, not moving, not learning, not doing much at all. So how do we cope?

First, it is imperative that we take time to notice how we are feeling. Is it stuckness, confusion, overwhelm, anxiety, depression, pain, fatigue? Painful emotions are easier to work through when we notice them earlier rather than later, after they become too intense. Try to pay attention to the body’s emotions when they are more like a 2 to 4, out of a 0 to 10 max scale. Second, we are called to hear the messages of the emotions. Are we called to push upon the boundaries of our comfort zone? Change careers or advance in our current vocation? Learn something new? Try something different? Do something in an alternative way? Third, we need to feel compassion for ourselves and our discomfort, our pain or irritability, fear or despair, grief or anger. Be gentle. Shift the self-talk to that of a kind coach or inner cheerleader.  Be encouraging. Fourth, we need to resource ourselves. None of us knows it all. It is wise to ask for help from those best in the position to help us. Maybe we need a counselor, attorney, financial adviser, business coach, or a combination of several sources of guidance. Fifth, staying away from the naysayers may be essential. At least in that we do not seek out their opinions. They usually only serve to hold us back, and for even longer. Sixth, take on change a little at a time. Most of us may not be able to heap on too much at any given time. But, we CAN handle one bite at a time. And while we work toward our goals, we can also give ourselves plenty of time to rest, relax and play. Balance may be the key. It often is. Seventh, we can persist. No matter how long it takes, we inevitably succeed when we simply keep at it until we do. It is exciting to know that we are hardwired for change. Neuroscientists call it “neuroplasticity”. The brain adapts our nervous system, as well as the entire body, to anything we do repeatedly. So as we practice, practice, practice…..taking our baby steps toward transition…..we are designed to succeed at change. So, feel the inspiration to change, be compassionate toward yourself as you feel the struggle of transition, learn to tolerate and cope with discomfort, and take it a little bit at a time. Then persist at inching your way forward, while reminding yourself that you were made to succeed at changing in the direction of your highest growth.

The post Coping With Difficult Transitions appeared first on Valerie Varan.

She described over ten years’ worth of visiting various doctors, being diagnosed with depression by some and bipolar by others. Wiping away tears, she listed the multiple medications she had been prescribed, and explained how none had seemed to bring back her once vibrant sense of self. Her thirties were almost past. No longer on medication, she was now ready to try the more holistic and integrative approach to healing. Her marriage was effected, other relationships were strained, and her career as an executive was in jeopardy. As she stopped speaking, her eyes looked deeply into mine, as if I were her last hope.

I began to further assess her nutrition, inquiring as to how much sunlight and/or vitamin D3 she was receiving, how many healthy foods and/or supplements she was taking.

It sounded like she was eating, quite frankly, better than the average American. We talked about the role of various vitamins and minerals in treating depression, anxiety and bipolar. She listened as I went on and on about the importance of supplementing with liquid D3 in combination with calcium, and the role of D3 in making the body’s biochemicals; the significance of omega 3s, B6 and B12 particularly for the nervous system, brain fog, memory and concentration; and the benefits of at least a whole food multivitamin. Clearly motivated to heal, she appeared focused as we discussed the hazards of sugar, the need for healthy plant proteins like beans and legumes, and the role of cinnamon in balancing blood sugar. Glancing over the handouts I had given her (one on anxiety, another on depression, a third on improved sleep), she agreed to have her doctor test her for deficiencies and insufficiencies, and to approve dosages and combinations.

The following week she called me to reschedule her appointment to a different day. Before we hung up, she excitedly told me how she and her husband had gone out immediately after our last session to buy a liquid-based whole foods multivitamin with vitamin D3. Two days after taking it, her spouse mentioned how much better he was feeling after starting supplementation, no more brain fog for him, and he wondered if she too was already noticing a shift. She indeed had, but wondered, could it be possible she was feeling this much better after only two days?

When we met, she further explained how much better she felt. Except for anger. She vented at how not a single doctor had ever talked to her about nutrition. She was amazed at how her brain fog had lifted, she was able to concentrate on her work, she no longer felt irritable or moody, and felt like her old self. Did she even need more therapy?

We discussed how there were still things she may need to work on. Nutrition therapy had made her feel like her old self again. But her spirit was still longing to shift careers, to set better boundaries with work and family, to worry less about pleasing others, and do more listening to her inner self. Had she decided to stop therapy after one session, she may have felt the anxiety and depression return shortly. She still seemed to need the key skills we humans require for balance in life.

Let’s face it, our society demands many things of us that lead us into chronic stress and overwhelm, and away from hearing our inner voice. No wonder our anxiety can turn into depression, a sense of helplessness and hopelessness that we will ever regain our inner power and authentic self expression. In fact, I define depression as the state of the soul de-pressed.

Integrative counseling helps us hear and follow our deepest and highest yearnings, and return to emotional wellbeing and intellectual inspiration. And as a start, it makes sure we feel physically and emotionally strong enough to even get back to our spiritual path.    

The post Client Heals Decade-Lasting Depression After One Session appeared first on Valerie Varan.